Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Later Years 2012: No Longer A Neophyte

Originally Posted on June 13th, 2012.

My blog is finally coming on its way, and soon it will be a functional site to bear my soul.  I will admit that I am rusty at writing.  Exposing my feelings to the virtual world is something I am not exactly keen on, and I am still struggling to reach out for that creative mindset that always seems to elude me.  Sometimes it visits me; fleetingly, I have an idea.  And then it is gone; something that practically never existed.  I have been in Bangalore for over a month, and I can’t quite pinpoint how I feel about life currently.  My experience now is neither that when I first came to Bangalore in 2010, nor is it anything like the experience I had in Delhi in the fall of 2011.  I look back on myself in Bangalore two years ago, and I see myself as an immensely intense person.  I was quite “out there” even compared to my normal eccentricity.  I came to India with an ignorant but open heart, and I was both torn and revived by the raw reality of India.  In Delhi, I was the opposite.  I was closed off, and refused to allow India back into my heart.  It hurt to be here, it hurt to leave.
Here and in the now, I am different, altered.  I feel as though I have become desensitized but in a rational way.  When I first came here in 2010, I was amazed at how seemingly apathetic people were to the world around them.  I cried when I saw things – wanted to retreat, and sometimes wanted to escape this world.  Others saw, but were able to carry on, so easily continue on their day.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, but now I understand.  Even I, after a longer exposure to India’s rawness, have begun to see it all differently.  I am not so perturbed; I have learned to accept things as they are.  Life still moves me, but now it takes a harder shove.  Whether or not this bodes well for my life philosophy or my writing, I am not so sure.  But I am trying.  My voice, however it is changing, is still there.  It is a new journey, and I am reintroducing myself.

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