Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Later Years 2012: Let The Insanity Begin

  I’ve been in Bangalore for almost a week, and I still haven’t gone out by myself yet.  I keep trying to compare this experience to that of my first excursion in Bangalore.  When did I have the courage to step out on my own?  How long did it take me to venture out without anxiety? When did the stares stop bothering me?  I can’t remember any of this.  All I remember is doing as I pleased, with very little restraint.  In Delhi, in a haphazard experiment, I learned that when I wear traditional ethnic clothing, I don’t receive as many stares.  Sanjeev says I can pass off as a Punjabi girl simply because they have very light colored skin for Indians.  We joked the other night that in America, one wears drab and dark clothing to blend in; while in India, one must wear bright and gaudy clothing to blend in.  My eyes and my hair are a dead give away though, and I honestly contemplate dyeing my hair black as a sort of experiment to see how well I can fit in.  Yesterday, I wanted to go out.  I didn’t.  And today, it is on my mind, and I plan where I can go and what I can buy to make the trip worthwhile.  Yes, I will go, and I will visit the grocery store about a mile away and buy some dahi (Indian curd yogurt) because I am almost out.  I ponder, should I wear my American clothing, or should I opt for the ethnic wear for maximum blenditure?  I feel stupid in Indian attire.  I always wonder if I am wearing something wrong and I just can’t get comfortable with the dupattaa (basically a scarf worn backwards by our standards).  So far, I only have two Indian outfits, and I opt for the Rajastani style salwar and suit, a turquoise and purple concoction with white diamond dots and tiny round mirrors – real mirrors stitched onto the front.  I want to leave the dupattaa at home, its clumsy and the shells on the ends annoy me.  But I decide I will take it with.  I want to wrap it around my head as a shawl and cover my hair.
     I don’t want to go, but I’m here now, and I have to get used to the insanity again.  No rewards will be gained by hiding away but I am honestly anxious.  I’ve spent seven months in Michigan as a recluse.  I’m smack dab in the middle of it all again, and the area I am in now is massive in comparison to my old location in J.P. Nagar.  This is a small feat yes, but it isn’t at the same time.  I don’t like being the white rat among millions, and I don’t like being the new item at the freak show circus.  But, what to do? What to do? (Pronounced vhat to do? vhat to do? by Indians….)

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